Alright folks. As a fair warning, things are about to get real. I'm going to talk about some of my issues with food.
I've eluded a few times on my Facebook page that I have had my previous battles with food. I was in college and I didn't "technically" have an "eating disorder" but I definitely had an unhealthy relationship with food. I was going through some things in my personal life so food became something that I obsessed over. It was a major control thing. I had to have total control over my body and what I was eating. It was something that was starting to spiral completely out of control. There is one photo that I saw, of me at my thinnest, that really scared me and helped me realize that I had a problem. I also had some friends at the time that helped open my eyes to my issues (they actually talked to me frankly about it). I was able to retake control of myself and my eating and figure out the balance that I like to talk about from time to time. I added cheese and butter back into my diet and allowed myself to indulge in french fries occasionally. (I also found out how easy it is to gain weight. I ate a hot dog before bed every night for a week and that helped out a lot.) I also re-discovered running around that to help with that balance as well. I no longer worried about the number on the scale, but it was more about how I felt. It was about how I felt in my clothes and how they fit as opposed to how I looked when I didn't have any clothes on. I had a few points here and there over the next few years where I would catch myself starting to do some of the same things or obsess over something. But I was able to recognize the symptoms and make adjustments accordingly. I felt like I finally had everything under control, consistently, for years. I got married, ran a marathon, and did lots of other stressful things without falling into the same old habits.
And then I got pregnant.
All over the baby books, websites, and everything else is all about eating. What foods you need to eat, how much of this vitamin you need, how much of this vitamin you need to avoid, eat this, don't eat that, listen to your cravings... all the while you have to only gain this much weight, stay within this range, this many weeks along you should only gain this many pounds... IT IS EXHAUSTING!! I am constantly thinking about food. Am I eating the right things? Am I eating too much? Am I eating enough? I ate some unhealthy things the other day(s), am I outside the normal weight gain range? I have little to no self control anymore; I am almost always clearing my plate. And I'm not even halfway through the pregnancy yet. I know all the stress I put on myself isn't good, so I try not to stress myself out. But then I'll weigh myself and see a number 1 pound outside the "normal" weight gain range for my pre-pregnancy weight, and that sends me into an emotional state that I'm not doing this right, etc. etc... I have a calorie counter app that I try to only half-heartedly use (to not become too obsessed) but then I still end up obsessing over it when I'm not using it.
The whole "balance" thing while pregnant is much more difficult than I ever imagined.
I keep reminding myself that I just have to try my best--that's all I can do! Many women go outside the normal pregnancy weight gain range and still have perfectly healthy babies (and also lose the weight post-pregnancy). I just need to not stress about the small stuff (1 pound, really?) and just try to have some fun. It isn't just about me anymore! I have to put my own issues aside and think about what is best for Baby Wilson! I want nothing but the best for this little bundle of joy, and I just have to try my best in doing so. :)
I guess this post is really just me venting about something that I've been thinking about and struggling with A LOT lately. As women (and human beings), I'm sure we all struggle or have our own relationship with food and every person's experience is different. I guess, I never thought I would be running into these feelings all over again. I'm lucky to have a supportive husband who never ever makes comments about what I'm eating or how something fits (in a negative way). This pregnancy stuff is hard work! But I hear it is all worth it in the end!
I feel a little better having just shared my thoughts with all of you. Thanks for reading/listening. :)
And in case you were wondering, here is what the bump looks like these days. I can barely notice a difference from week to week in these photos, but from my view, looking down... things have definitely gotten bigger. Also, all my dress pants fit terribly and I'm starting to venture into a few maternity things here and there. I'm open to suggestions on where to shop if you have some. I'll be putting a post together about my maternity clothes experience in the weeks to come!